JEEEZUS CHRIST IM BORED

Sonofabitch. Im bored out of my mind. Could it be the 2 RedBulls talking or the Starbucks coffee coursing through my veins? Who the fuck knows or cares. What is it about the human that makes them not content with normal?
What the Fuck is wrong with us that when life seems to be going the way that it should with the sitcom family show life....that we feel COMPELLED to fuck it up?
I am soo fucking bored. Bored with my life and my family and my job and my surroundings and my core being.
I HATE IT. What is so wrong with me that I just want to break and run? What the fuck is wrong with me that I want to not go home. That I want to get up from this mutherfucking cubical and put on my coat and walk out the door and pick a direction and go.
What the Fuck is wrong with me.

I have a married life with a home and 4 sons and a mutherfucking dog and a whitecollar desk job and a normal life and a normal husband and blah blah balahhhh

To Quote Kravitz: 'I want to get away. I want to Fllllyyyy away. Yeah Yeah Yeah. You know I gotta get away!'

I hate it when Im like this...it means that something drastic that I will envitably regret is right around the corner.

I gotta "phone a friend" to calm me down.

Marriage Lessons....Not

You know....

I have been doing a lot of thinking about the "institution of marriage" The institute that people SWEAR up and down is a brilliant thing that should be revered and worshipped and treated with the utmost respect.

I agree.

However I also agree that there is a major problem with exactly WHAT the whole process entails and HOW a person or a couple is supposed to accomplish this glorious feat.

I mean come on...There are shows and there are sitcoms and there are movies and books all saying how a couple was able to make it through and none of them are the same and no formula is the same...And do you want to know why? Because it changes per couple by the second.

I love that man you see up in the corner and I would do anything for him. At the same time he irritates the shit out of me and makes me want to kill him and leave him and run away. All at the same time. How can someone that you adore one second ...Infuriates you the next?

And that is just the INSIDE forces. What about the outside forces? What about the other women/men? What about the temptation of the internet? The temptation of co-worker/neighbors/friends/etc? What about the media and the television and magazines that preach a newer younger model every day?

How on earth can any of us possibly keep up let alone compete? The answer is....

WE CANT.

So what do we do? How do we combat it? How do we move on? I don't know. I only know that you have to wait until tomorrow.
Each day you live it and you deal with it and you have your breakdowns and your elating and your happiness and your disappointments....

And you wait until tomorrow. The promise is that tomorrow will change how you feel and how he feels and if your lucky very lucky neither of you will sit long on the negative. If your really lucky then neither of you will lose sight of the fact that once upon a time your love was blinding...And you can see that glimpse every so often.

And if you cant....Then wait till tomorrow. Cause tomorrow may show you something different. The irritation may fade and the love will shine through. If you give it enough time.

So while you all see the man up in the corner sound asleep looking too through with life in general...I see the sexy man that I fell in love with....The man that I wouldn't want to face tomorrow with out.

And also the man that irritates the living shit out of me.

But I love him...For today...And hopefully tomorrow too.

UGLY

So very much time is spent in life trying your hardest to navigate. Trying to find yourself while trying to be a partner and a mom and a worker and anything else that seems to pop into your plate.

You find that you become ugly. Not in the carnal sense but rather in the spiritual sense. You cant be all things to all people but still every day and in every way we try. And we become entrenched and bitter at the people around us for not understanding us.

After all isn't it them who make us do what we do to be more able to be there for them? I'm not saying that I regret anyone or any of my choices. I am just saying that in the grand scheme of it all...Something was lost.

Somewhere in the interim we find that the roads that we took and the sacrifices we made and the paths we fought to make were not only unappreciated but we were judged and ultimately hung by them.

Its such a shame to think that your children will hate you. It is that simple. It isn't anything more then a rite of passage and eventually when they find themselves in the same space, they will reevaluate you and perhaps forgive you--just a little.

And your significance? The husband--the Ex husband(s) the Ex boyfriends the friend(s) and Ex-friend(s) that you met and parted with along the way. You find yourself thinking of them and the pasts and the what "could've been"s Not because you regret (all in all it works out for the best). But rather getting caught in the thought of where your life might be had you made a different choice or maybe didn't make so many mistakes along the way.

You get caught up in trying to figure out what immature decision that you made that created such insane turns of events. Its ugly I tell you.
Ugly.

And no matter what you try to tell yourself--or how you may have made it through....There are scars. There are scars that you will never admit to anyone that you have.

And you never will.

its ugly.