UGLY

So very much time is spent in life trying your hardest to navigate. Trying to find yourself while trying to be a partner and a mom and a worker and anything else that seems to pop into your plate.

You find that you become ugly. Not in the carnal sense but rather in the spiritual sense. You cant be all things to all people but still every day and in every way we try. And we become entrenched and bitter at the people around us for not understanding us.

After all isn't it them who make us do what we do to be more able to be there for them? I'm not saying that I regret anyone or any of my choices. I am just saying that in the grand scheme of it all...Something was lost.

Somewhere in the interim we find that the roads that we took and the sacrifices we made and the paths we fought to make were not only unappreciated but we were judged and ultimately hung by them.

Its such a shame to think that your children will hate you. It is that simple. It isn't anything more then a rite of passage and eventually when they find themselves in the same space, they will reevaluate you and perhaps forgive you--just a little.

And your significance? The husband--the Ex husband(s) the Ex boyfriends the friend(s) and Ex-friend(s) that you met and parted with along the way. You find yourself thinking of them and the pasts and the what "could've been"s Not because you regret (all in all it works out for the best). But rather getting caught in the thought of where your life might be had you made a different choice or maybe didn't make so many mistakes along the way.

You get caught up in trying to figure out what immature decision that you made that created such insane turns of events. Its ugly I tell you.
Ugly.

And no matter what you try to tell yourself--or how you may have made it through....There are scars. There are scars that you will never admit to anyone that you have.

And you never will.

its ugly.